Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
