Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
