Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
