I want to stick my p in your. b.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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