You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize