Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
