Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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