the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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