Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
