you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm always down for nudity.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
