tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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