You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
