onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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