Where did you get a picture of my penis
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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