Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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