God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
