dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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