so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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