Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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