Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
