And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
