No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
