Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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