Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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