Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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