is your mom at the bar?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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