If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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