I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize