I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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