Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
