Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
