omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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