I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
