when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
