How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
