Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
