put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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