He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
