Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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