No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
