I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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