Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
