Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
