stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
