My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize