I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Found the puke drawer
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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