i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
