the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
