Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
