You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
