I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
