If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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