I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
