Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
