I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
