i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
